Do you ever feel like your in the dark? Do you ever feel like you can see God working but the outcome is just still too fuzzy to make out? I'm sure everyone answers are an overwhelming YES, and if not than I confess I am alone in the midst of the desert...but I really doubt that! I have spent the past several months trying to figure out where and what I am supposed to be doing in the months ahead as all my kiddos will be venturing off to school. Honestly it REALLY does feel like just yesterday that I was telling the University of Idaho that I would not be coming back to work after Simon was born. Now I'm sitting here with 4 kiddos growing and maturing rapidly before my eyes wondering what I will do once they are all in school. I know that Ben is only going to be in pre-school but really the point is that we are privatly educating them and the expense is quite large. Assistance from me is crucial in order for us to continue sending them to TRA. I am perfectly capable of working to help cover the cost of tuition and frankly kind of like the idea of putting my old rusty brain to work!
I keep getting hung-up on little issues that allow me the opportunity to almost talk myself out of working all together! Here are a couple internal struggles I am having...
First, I seem to have lost my nerve along the way! I'm not sure where it and my self-confidence went??? The self-confidence thing is a rather tricky and messy little personal character trait. If you have too much your teetering on the cliff of self-righteousness if you have too little your expression is bleak and you lack a bright cheery aroma that shows you have confidence in God and his promises. I know the ideal place to be is in the middle...moderation is always good and for the most part I think I'm there....only....this one little area is so hard to pinpoint and tie down. How do I sell myself and the importance of the past seven years to a world who does not value mothering, hospitality, being a wife, budgeting, LOVING GOD and growing in faith. Putting it all on a resume has been a rather interesting and uncomfortable experience.
Second, I have this expectation that I need to find something meaningful and worthy of my absence away from the home, which is hard to do in Wenatchee, knowing full-well that if I REALLY want my kids at TRA I need to be willing to do whatever God brings my way...oh and cheerfully would also be nice. This may come in the form of a job at my kiddos school, serving my community through non-profits, making coffee, or scrubbing toilets (certainly hope NOT). My point is that I need to be open to Gods plan for me regardless of the task. I need to be praying for guidance and for OBVIOUS door slamming answers. I am rather dense so subtlety is not my strong suit.
Thank you friends for listening, sometimes thoughts just need to get written down rather than bouncing around in the brain! Have a fantastic Thursday!